Getting Past No

Everybody who gets involved begins to think of the draft as their own.

It is easier to get your boss to change her position if you say “Building on your idea, what if we…?” Or “I got this idea from something you said at the meeting the other day….” Or “As a follow-up to our discussion this morning, it occurred to me that…” Show the other side how your proposal stems from or relates to one of their ideas.

Building a golden bridge means making it easier for the other side to surmount the four common obstacles to agreement. It means actively involving them in devising a solution so that it becomes their idea, not just yours. It means satisfying their unmet interests. It means helping them save face; and it means making the process of negotiation as easy as possible.

But pushing may actually make it more difficult for the other side to agree. It underscores the fact that the proposal is your idea, not theirs.

BUILD THEM A GOLDEN BRIDGE

Build your opponent a golden bridge to retreat across.

Don’t accuse the other side. Just make note of what they are doing. If a person constantly interrupts you, look him in the eye, use his name, and say “Mike, you interrupted me.” Or ask “May I finish my sentence?” Use a nonconfrontational, matter-of-fact tone. If Mike does it again, patiently remind him, perhaps with a little gentle prodding, “Hey, you’re interrupting me.” Think of yourself as a friend giving him some useful feedback. Call him on his behavior—nicely.

You should make it easy for the other side to drop their tactics. If they are being particularly rude, for instance, point it out by offering them an explanation or an excuse: “It sounds like you’re having a rough day.” If they threaten you, respond as one businesswoman did. Instead of challenging her opponent by saying “Don’t threaten me,” she asked in a calm and somewhat surprised tone, “You’re not intending to threaten me, are you?” Her question of clarification offered her opponent a graceful way out.

It is important that you bring up the tactic without appearing to attack the other side personally. Calling them liars or cheats does not make them more receptive to joint problem-solving negotiation. By showing admiration for Charlie and Bob’s skill and making light of the tactic, Liz helps them save face. Her interest is not in scoring points, but in purchasing a set of law books for a fair price and in fostering a working relationship with an established law firm.

Make a reasonable request. You have one advantage in dealing with tricksters that you don’t have with people who are openly uncooperative, and that is their stake in appearing reasonable. So take them at their word and put it to the test, thereby placing them in a dilemma. Either they live up to their pretense of cooperation or they drop the sham altogether. In other words, you can administer a “reasonable request test.”

Reframe the blame as joint responsibility for tackling the problem.