Patricia Evans

The victim of abuse is taught to believe that although she is hurting, she shouldn’t be, or that she is in some way responsible. From childhood, she is conditioned not to understand her feelings and so not to recognize the truth. This truth is that she is being abused and blamed for the abuse (as if it could be justified) and for feeling bad about it (as if her feelings were wrong).

We know that verbal abuse occurs to some extent in all but the most ideal of childhoods, leaving most with some uncertainty — some self-doubt. This self-doubt is greatly increased in an abusive relationship.

Clearly, when there is no witness to one’s experience and no validation of one’s reality, one must rely solely upon one’s own feelings and judgment. This is difficult for anyone. It is doubly difficult for the partner because the abuse itself diminishes her ability to trust her own feelings and her own judgment. Her feelings and judgment are constantly condemned by the abuse.

The partner suffered many wrongs to her spirit. And, she did not know the meaning of her pain. However, because she remained aware of her feelings, she was connected to the spirit of life at her center — the source of her Personal Power. Eventually, it was the power of her feelings and the knowledge of her spirit which enabled her to recognize the abuse and, in so doing, gain Reality II self-esteem.

The absence or presence of a helping witness in childhood determines whether a mistreated child will become a despot who turns his repressed feelings of helplessness against others or an artist who can tell about his or her suffering.

All appeals to love, solidarity, and compassion will be useless if this crucial prerequisite of sympathy and understanding is missing.

Typically, even though the partner tries to explain to her mate what bothers her, the abuse continues. Appeals to the abuser’s compassion are fruitless, because the abuser is not empathetic. As Alice Miller points out, a sympathetic and understanding witness to a child’s suffering is a crucial prerequisite to empathy in adulthood. Without empathy, the abuser cannot be sensitive to his partner’s anguish.

Each specific instance of abuse does, however, momentarily alleviate the abuser’s hidden feelings of pain and powerlessness, leaving in their stead a sense of Power Over.

many abusers have a deeply buried feeling of guilt for having separated from their mothers.

His very identity would be at stake if he were to admit to what he was doing. This is why verbal abusers do not sincerely apologize.