Conversations on Love

‘Life is not a problem to be solved, but a mystery to be lived.’

When I asked psychiatrist Dr Megan Poe why people lose their sense of self in relationships, she said it’s sometimes because they’re trying to ‘echo-locate the other and not reveal the self’ and merge with them.

when people die, they take their stories with them, unless we make time to ask about them.

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At first you live in grief, then it lives in you.

People think, if I’m matching the other person then we’re a match, but that makes them more insecure because they’re not being themselves.

This shrinking of the self starts in small ways: pretending you want to see a horror film at the cinema; making Spotify playlists of songs that might impress them instead of the ones you really want to listen to; buying a dress you can’t afford just because you think they’ll like it. But soon, you’re saying no to plans with friends just to keep an evening free on the off-chance they might ask to see you at the last minute. You’re acting like it’s not a big deal that they didn’t show up at your birthday until 11 p.m. You’re pretending you don’t need relationship labels or consistent communication or the small acts of kindness that make you feel loved. You’re pretending you don’t need anything at all

When you are not being honest in a relationship – to another person or to yourself – it is a little like screwing on the top of a jam jar when the ridges are out of line.

I’d date someone new, idealize them, keep parts of myself hidden, and perform the role of a woman more palatable than I believed myself to be

realize that our private shame is universal, that
our worst heartbreaks have been felt and survived before

It’s a daily project. Some days I feel I’ve got nothing, some days I wake up and feel I’ve got everything. Some days I can let go of the losses, some days I feel they’re crowding in on me,