Madonna in a Fur Coat (Penguin Modern Classics)

The essence of life is in solitude – wouldn’t you agree?

had – perhaps without knowing, or perhaps not daring to breathe the thought – been searching for someone. That was why I had been avoiding all others. If only for a moment, the painting had convinced me that I might find her, and find her soon. It had sparked in me a hope that would never sink into despair.

Now I know these memories will never leave me … One chance encounter, and I am cruelly awake, wrenched from the numb lethargy that has kept me going these last ten years. I would be lying if I said this could drive me mad, or be the death of me. People somehow manage to accustom themselves to what they first think insufferable. I, too, shall endure … But how? I look into the future, and all I see is a life of cruel torment. Somehow, I shall find a way to bear it … just as I have done until now

to his family than in knowing why he had told me the truth, but I also took pride in it: the pride of being closer to someone than others

. He was, I thought, too timid ever to dare to explore his soul, let alone express it.

Can there be any sweeter intoxication than exerting power and authority over one of your own kind? It is, nevertheless, a rare pleasure, to be calculated with care, and enjoyed only with a particular sort of person.

He seemed pleased to have run into me. Perhaps because it gave him a chance to show me how well he’d done, or because, when he looked at me, he was so glad he wasn’t like me. When misfortune visits those who once walked alongside us, we do tend to feel relief, almost as if we believe we have ourselves been spared, and as we come to convince ourselves that they are suffering in our stead, we feel for these wretched creatures. We feel merciful.

I would wander the streets in despair for half the night.

It is, perhaps, easier to dismiss a man whose face gives no indication of an inner life

But we ask in vain, if we fail to look beyond the surface – if we forget that beneath each surface lurks another realm