Are you tired of pretending to care? Do you want to survive life with the absolute least amount of emotional effort? Congratulations—you’re ready to become Dead Inside, But Functional.

Life is exhausting. People expect enthusiasm, deep emotional connections, and basic human engagement. Annoying. But guess what? You don’t actually have to care—you just have to look like you do.

This book is not about healing. It’s about perfecting the fine art of detachment while still participating in society just enough to avoid suspicion.

Inside, You’ll Learn:

☠️ How to master the dead-eyed customer service smile while thinking about absolutely nothing

☠️ The science of responding to any crisis with “Damn, that sucks” and moving on immediately

☠️ Why “It is what it is” should be your life motto

☠️ How to fake emotional depth by saying, “I just don’t open up easily”

☠️ Strategic bathroom breaks: The only legally acceptable way to escape responsibility

☠️ How to nod convincingly while mentally escaping to Ancient Rome

☠️ The trick to falling asleep in three minutes by accepting your own mortality

☠️ How to function just enough at work so no one notices you’re doing absolutely nothing

This is not a motivational book. It won’t inspire you. It won’t fix you. It will simply help you navigate life in the most effortless way possible, while maintaining just enough interaction to avoid being declared legally missing.

Li Haupt