Elaine Mazlish

hand went up. “It must be very hard for you—having him around all the time.”

Another hand: “You take as much time as you want to tell me about what’s bothering you.”

And finally: “I want to know how you feel . . . because your feelings are very important to me.”

RESIST THE URGE TO COMPARE

Instead of comparing one child unfavorably to another, (“Why can’t you hang up your clothes like your brother?”) speak to the child only about the behavior that displeases you.

Describe what you see

“I see a brand new jacket on the floor.”

or

Describe what you feel

“That bothers me.”

or

Describe what needs to be done

“This jacket belongs in the closet.”

Instead of comparing one child favorably to another. (“You’re so much neater than your brother”) speak only about the behavior that pleases you.

Describe what you see

“I see you hung up your jacket.”

or

Describe what you feel

“I appreciate that. I like seeing our hallway looking neat.”