Сергей Матвеев

При чтении руки праворукого

1. Четное и нечетное
2. Единственное и множественное
3. Ограниченное и бесконечное
4. Правое и левое
5. Мужское и женское
6. Покой и движение
7. Прямое и искривленное
8. Светлое и темное
9. Хорошее и злое

A rookie police officer was out for his first ride with an experienced partner. A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.
The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said, “Let’s get off the corner, people.”
A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again, “Let’s get off that corner… NOW!”
Surprised, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction.
Proud of his first official act, the

Doctor, will I be able to play the piano after the operation?
– Yes, of course.
– Great! I never could before!

A drummer, sick of all the drummer jokes, decides to change his instrument. After some thought, he decides on the accordion.
So he goes to the music store and says to the owner, “I’d like to look at the accordions, please.”
The owner gestures to a shelf in the corner and says, “All our accordions are over there.”
After browsing, the drummer says, “I think I’d like the big red one in the corner.”
The store owner looks at him and says, “You’re a drummer, aren’t you?”

The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up.
Everybody but one girl laughed uproariously.
“What’s the matter?” grumbled the boss. “Haven’t you got a sense of humor?”
“I don’t have to laugh,” she replied. “I’m leaving Friday.”

A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer.
The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and asked:

The doctor explained to Jenkins that he had a serious ailment for which an operation was absolutely imperative.
The patient turned pale and asked, “Isn’t it very dangerous?”
“Yes,” the doctor replied. “Five out of six who undergo this operation die, but as for you, you have nothing to worry about.”
“Why not?” eagerly inquired the patient.
“Well, you’re sure to recover because my last five patients died,” the doctor reassured him.

A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn’t improve.
Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, “When a musician just can’t handle his instrument and doesn’t improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer.”
A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: “And if he can’t handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor.”

As the doctor completed an examination of the patient, he said:
– I can’t find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it’s due to drinking.
– In that case, – said the patient,