Becky Kennedy

This idea of multiplicity—the ability to accept multiple realities at once—is critical to healthy relationships. When there are two people in a room, there are also two sets of feelings, thoughts, needs, and perspectives. Our ability to hold on to multiple truths at once—ours and someone else’s—allows two people in a relationship to feel seen and feel real, even if they are in conflict. Multiplicity is what allows two people to get along and feel close—they each know that their experience will be accepted as true and explored as important, even if those experiences are different. Building strong connections relies on the assumption that no one is right in the absolute, because understanding, not convincing, is what makes people feel secure in a relationship.
What do I mean by understanding and not convincing? Well, when we seek to understand, we attempt to see and learn more about another person’s perspective, feelings, and experience. We essentially say to that person, “I am having one experience and you are having a different experience. I want to get to know what’s happening for you.” It doesn’t mean you agree or comply (these would imply a “one thing is true” perspective), or that we are “wrong” or our truth doesn’t hold; it means we are willing to put our own experience aside for a moment to get to know someone else’s. When we approach someone with the goal of understanding, we accept that there isn’t one correct interpretation of a set of facts, but rather multiple experiences and viewpoints. Understanding has one goal: connection.

What’s the opposite of understanding? For this argument’s sake, it’s convincing. Convincing is the attempt to prove a singular reality—to prove that “only one thing is true.” Convincing is an attempt to be “right” and, as a result, make the other person “wrong.” It rests on the assumption that there is only one correct viewpoint. When we seek to convince someone, we essentially say, “You’re wrong. You are mis-perceiving, mis-remembering, mis-feeling, mis-experiencing. Let me explain to you why I am correct and then you’ll see the light and come around.” Convincing has one goal in mind: being right. And here’s the unfortunate consequence of being right: the other person feels unseen and unheard, at which point most people become infuriated and combative, because it feels as if the other person does not accept your realness or worth. Feeling unseen and unheard makes connection impossible.

to be mad” line, and your son screams, “Well I am mad! I hate you!” First: ground yourself and internally validate your perspective (“I know I am making a good decision here. I trust myself”). Then, continue to acknowledge your child’s perspective—his truth: “Ugh, I know you are. I know you’re really mad. I get it.” Now, hold your boundary. Feel free to add on when you feel an opening. “There are lots of other movies we can watch, let me know if you want to pick one of those,” or “I wonder if there are any other things we can do tonight that would feel fun?” But remember, you’ve already done what’s necessary, for both of you

Parents express boundaries with both our words and our bodies. When I say “bodies,” I’m not suggesting you use physical force to assert power or intimidate—hurting or scaring your child is never okay. Never never never. But physicality, sometimes, is needed to keep our child safe. If I tell my daughter she cannot hit her brother, I may also need to hold her wrist to prevent the hitting from happening again. If I tell my son that he needs to get off the counter and he struggles to listen, I will have to pick him up—yes, even if he is crying and screaming—and put him back in a safe place. If I need to buckle my child into a car seat on a day she’s screaming, “No no no!,” a boundary will involve my buckling it and maybe restraining her body as I do so. Do I want to have to physically enforce boundaries? No, I’d rather not—I’d prefer working on the core issue of connection and regulation so that my child is more likely to cooperate in the first place (more on this later—lots more). But when things don’t go that way, when things get messy and we have a safety matter at hand, we have to do our job and keep our child safe.

stop crying, that son will associate vulnerability with rejection, even if, later in life, he can’t explicitly recall those memories.

Parent Response #1: “I won’t talk to you while you have a fit. Go to your room and come out when you’re being reasonable!”
Attachment Lesson #1: When I want something, I push people away, I become bad, I am left abandoned and alone. People only want to be around me when I’m easy and compliant.

Kids use self-doubt to protect themselves from the overwhelming feelings that would arise if they accepted the reality of what really just happened. They do this because being alone in their feelings seems like “too much,” and self-doubt offers a way to escape and self-preserve.

Since kids interpret changes as threats until caregivers show them otherwise, emotionally explosive outbursts are a child’s way of saying, “I’m scared of the feelings in my body. I don’t understand what’s happening to me. I’m being attacked by these awful sensations and yet I cannot get away from them because they are inside me. Help me, help me, help me!”

Having the urge to bite is okay; biting a person is not okay. Having the urge to hit is okay; hitting a person is not okay. Finding safe ways to redirect our children’s urges can be much more successful than trying to shut down the urges themselves. For example, a child who has been biting can be given a chew necklace. When you notice them getting upset, offer the chew necklace in order to interrupt the cycle of discharging the urge on another child. A child who is kicking can be put in a room where they can move their legs and flail and kick, but do it safely, not in a way that connects with another child. After all, we can only learn to regulate feelings and urges that we allow ourselves to have; parents often have the goal of getting rid of the urge (“Why would you want to hit someone else? What’s wrong with you?”), but humanizing the urge and then shifting where we allow a child to discharge it allows the child to gain regulation and, over time, make better decisions.