The Grief Recovery Handbook, 20th Anniversary Expanded Edition

What ruins the picnic—the rain or one’s attitude about the rain?

Many people have been conditioned to seek a medical solution to a nonmedical problem. This can be dangerous. Treatment of grief in the form of psychotropic drugs can hide the normal and natural reactions to loss. Once buried, it is difficult to reconnect those feelings at a later date.

Our beliefs establish how we feel. If we have false ideas, we are liable to generate false feelings.

The attempt to shift from emotions to intellect is a dangerous and counterproductive thing to do with grieving people. G

Loss of trust was painful, so John learned that the solution was don’t trust, thereby eliminating the potential for pain.

While their initial loss-of-trust incident might have been with a parent or other adult authority figure, eventually the blanket of mistrust covered all relationships.

concept that time heals is probably responsible for more heartache than any other single wrong idea in our society. The terrible part is, it isn’t true. It’s one of those falsehoods that’s been passed down from generation to generation.
The mistaken idea that after enough time passes something will magically change to make us whole again is preposterous. If we were dealing with any other human pain, no one would say, “Just give it time.”
If you came across a person with a broken arm, you wouldn’t say, “Just give it time.” Just as broken bones should be properly set to heal and ultimately function again, so must the emotional heart.
We all know too many people whose hearts remain broken partly because they are waiting for time to heal them. Sadly, they come to believe it’s true. People wait around for years with the idea that after a long enough period of time they will feel better again. Some of you reading this book already know this isn’t true.
In one seminar, we asked people to raise their hands if they were still experiencing pain caused by a death or divorce that occurred more than twenty years ago. As expected, many people indicated this was true for them. They all believed that time would take care of the pain. We asked one woman whether twenty years didn’t seem like too long a time to be waiting for recovery. She answered with a clear and classic statement: “Yes, it does, but I don’t know what else to do.” Can you imagine the pain and frustration? The years of waiting for some relief?
To illustrate the absurdity of waiting for time to heal, we ask this question. If you discovered that your car had a flat tire, would you pull up a chair next to the car and sit and wait for air to somehow get back into the tire? Seems silly, doesn’t it?
Time itself does not heal; it is what you do within time that will help you complete the pain caused by loss.

The concept that time heals is probably responsible for more heartache than any other single wrong idea in our society. The terrible part is, it isn’t true. It’s one of those falsehoods that’s been passed down from generation to generation.

Don’t feel bad—there are plenty of fish in the sea.

It’s possible, in fact likely, that John couldn’t love the new dog because he wasn’t emotionally complete with the old dog.