Codependent No More

codependent person is one who has let another person’s behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person’s behavior.

Read these books: Why Am I Afraid to Tell You Who I Am? by John Powell, and How to Be an Assertive (Not Aggressive) Woman in Life, in Love, and on the Job, by Jean Baer. How to Be an Assertive Woman is an excellent book for men, too.

Somewhere, hidden inside me, I had maintained a fantasy that I had a loving father who was staying away from me—who was rejecting me—because I wasn’t good enough. There was something wrong with me. Now I knew the truth. It wasn’t me that was unlovable. It wasn’t me that was screwed up, although I know I’ve got problems. It was he.

Some of us are still beating our heads against the cement trying to get this love from people who, like Mother or Father, are unable to give what we need. The cycle repeats itself until it is interrupted and stopped. It’s called unfinished business.

away and smothers love. It scares people away. It attracts the wrong kind of people. And our real needs don’t get met. Our real needs become greater and so does our despair. We center our lives around this person, trying to protect our source of security and happiness. We forfeit our lives to do this. And we become angry at this person. We are being controlled by him or her. We are dependent on that person. We ultimately become angry and resentful at what we are dependent on and controlled by, because we have given our personal power and rights to that person.4

We may even convince ourselves that we can’t live without someone and will wither and die if that person is not in our lives. If that person is an alcoholic or deeply troubled, we may tolerate abuse and insanity to keep him or her in our lives, to protect our source of emotional security. Our need becomes so great that we settle for too little. Our expectations drop below normal, below what we ought to expect from our relationships. Then, we become trapped, stuck.

Needing people so much, yet believing we are unlovable and people will never be there for us, can become a deeply ingrained belief

The less good stuff we find in ourselves, the more we seek it in others

The less good stuff we find in ourselves, the more we seek it in others

Practice non-rescuing behaviors: Say no when you want to say no. Do things you want to do. Refuse to guess what people want and need; instead insist that others ask you directly for what they want and need from you. Begin asking directly for what you want and need. Refuse to assume other people’s responsibilities.